spring quarter to-do list

because winter quarter is almost over, spring is almost here, and senior year is coming to an end. and because there are still 239847298347 things i want to and need to do. so i’m making a list to make sure that i do them + follow through. and so all my friends can hold me accountable :)  

• finish writing my thesis by may 4 :) do a thorough, satisfactory job. 
• go to disneyland — april 6-8 
• finish learning the first movement of shostakovich cello concerto no. 1, have it performance-ready by the end of the quarter  
• improve playing efficiency, arm height, finger control, bow angle, sound + maintain core 
• hike the dish with amira
• visit the beach  
• go fountain-hopping, esp in the new fountain! 
• holi 
• watch at least one movie at flicks  
• eat at least once at alumni cafe  
• go to every senior night possible (fail, susie, fail.) 
• continue working out regularly + don’t get shin splints / don’t sprain your ankle  
• do a photoshoot of the quad  
• do a photoshoot in the quad  
• get a bike tune-up  
• clean out my bookshelf, sell books 
• go to plutos and sprinkles and bj’s with lily  
• work with sustainable fashion show (bike accident ): fail ):)
• spend at least one afternoon outside on a sunny afternoon doing absolutely nothing
• spend at least one day in the bookstore reading a good book non-class related 
• baking + notecard project 
• go to late nite with friends 
• have someone teach me guitar or ukelele or both  
• visit facebook with chuan and have dinner there  
• have a k222-and-friends reunion the first week back (re-do of lance’s dinner that i missed + welcome back herry) 
• make ddukbokki with jane, caroline, and michelle 
• get boba with anna and tek
• get brunch or dinner with quan and grace 
• have an aurora-brenda-grace hang out 
• don’t eat too much dessert (ha ha..)
• go to benihana with sunny

sadly, this is me like every day. hahaha. i need to be more proactive! muster up more courage! do things! act on thoughts! i’m running out of time.

(Source: staypozitive)

self-empowerment

i haven’t written in about two weeks, but it feels like it’s been forever. i also can’t believe that it’s already march. it’s absolutely mind-boggling that we’re entering week nine of winter quarter, that soon dead week and finals will be upon us, and then spring break, and then the last quarter or senior year…

i will shy away from that subject until spring quarter because i’m pretty sure i’m going to start posting regularly and that all my posts will be super nostalgic, emotional, reminiscent, and bittersweet about being a senior and graduating. 

yesterday was a really wonderful day. well, not just yesterday. there have been a lot of good days this quarter, but i feel like underlying the good and the wonderful, there was something bothering me. i’m not sure what it was, but something was there. 

but finally, after about eight weeks into this quarter, i think i am truly happy and truly at peace with myself. last year was really rocky, and even though there were a million things to be thankful for and happy about coming into 2012, it was difficult to just snap out of the state of mind i had been living in for perhaps an entire year. and i must say — it is so, so incredibly nice to be happy. and to be at peace with yourself. 

yesterday, after spending all day just biking around campus in the sunshine and smiling at nobody and nothing but at everybody and everything, and just basking in amazing stanford weather and being happy, i returned to my room and spent some time to think. and then i went to arrillaga and ran my twelfth mile of the week and thought some more.

i wanted to know what had been bothering me for the past eight weeks, what had been digging under my skin when i had everything to be happy about. sure, i was a little bit stressed about my thesis, i still had lots of work and extracurricular things to do, but i felt like i needed — and should — be happy. and i think this was part of the problem.

it’s true that happiness requires effort. you can’t just sit in your chair in your room and not be happy and then complain about not being happy. because you’re not even trying to be happy. you haven’t evaluated why you aren’t happy and haven’t tried to fix it.

but at the same time, sometimes you just need to not be happy. and even if you feel stupid for not being happy, happiness isn’t some permanent or eternal state of mind. it comes and goes. and you have to be okay with not being happy. you don’t need to justify every emotion, you don’t have to explain to anyone why you are happy or unhappy.

and i think that’s part of what has been digging under my skin for the past eight weeks. i’ve been thinking too much about what i should be, what i need to be, rather than what i am and being okay with that. i’ve been caring too much about what other people think rather than being comfortable with myself, in my own skin, as me. and it is so strikingly odd because i’ve always been someone who, yes, has insecurities as everyone does, but in general is independent and proactively pursues being “me”, whatever that means.

but i realized that this quarter, there were people i was interacting with who made me feel like extra baggage, like a bother. people who made me feel self-conscious. people who made me feel uncomfortable in the clothes i feel most comfortable in. people who made me feel like i had no right to feel unhappy. people who made me feel like i fell short, that i wasn’t good enough. people who made me feel like i couldn’t really be me; rather, that i had to be some version of me — the bubbly, outgoing, positive, spastic version of me. 

sorry to break it to you, but i’m not bubbly, outgoing, positive, and spastic all the time. actually, maybe about 2% of the time. also, there is no version of me. there is just me. and there may be many facets of me, but they are all me. 

and i realized that the second i started stepping away from these people, distancing myself from the people who bring me down, perhaps unconsciously and unintentionally, but nevertheless bring me down and make me regret being me — i started becoming much happier, and much more at peace with myself.

isn’t it funny that the second you pull yourself away from people who tell you that you shouldn’t be unhappy, you become happy? it’s mind-boggling. mind-blowing. because the fact that you have distanced yourself from someone who tells you how you should feel, regardless of whether that person is encouraging you to be happier, liberates you. it makes you free inside, and you are so much more likely to rebound into a different state of mind. and even if you are unhappy, you feel comfortable about being unhappy. and you are unhappy as you. you are no longer that unhappy mess. but unhappy you. and unhappy is no longer wrong. unhappy is just unhappy. and unhappy is okay.

and i realized through all of this — it is so important to surround yourself with people who appreciate you for who you are. that sounds so cliche, but it’s true. treasure the people who treasure you for being you.

treasure the people who are okay with you ranting, with you crying and being an emotional wreck, no matter how stupid the reason is for your being an emotional wreck. treasure the people who give you hugs even when you’re dressed in gym shorts and a t-shirt and you’re covered in sweat. treasure the people who tolerate you, but who tolerate you because they love you — not because they feel like they have to tolerate you. treasure the people who help you know it’s okay to be unhappy or to be upset or to be scatterbrained or stressed. treasure the people who draw closer to you in those moments, not the people who push you away because they don’t want to deal with those “versions” of you. because all of that is you, and you deserve to be loved for all of you.

the second i pulled myself away from certain people, you know what i realized? i realized that i’m okay with all of those parts of me. because the people who treasure me and the people i treasure are okay with all those parts of me. and the moment i became okay with all of me, i reached peace. so much peace with myself. and that state of mind is quite possibly one of the most relieving, comforting, happiest states of mind ever.

it’s true that i’ll never be perfect. i’ll still be the occasionally spastic, occasionally temperamental, occasionally hermity me. i’ll still be judgmental, even though i try not to be, i’ll make mistakes, and i’ll be hypocritical, too. like we all are. i’ll still feel most comfortable in gym shorts and t-shirts, sweats and hoodies, converses and boat shoes. and while it’s true that people change — i’ve changed a considerable amount over the past several years — at the core, you stay the same. at the core, i’m still the same and will be the same.

and you know what? i’m okay with that. because i know i’m never going to be the prettiest person, the smartest person, the most inspirational person, the most lovable person, the most caring person, the most thoughtful person. i know i’m never going to be perfect. i know i’m not going to be some person who everyone wants to be. but i don’t want to be that anyway. i just want to be me, i want to be okay with being me, and i want to be loved purely for being me.   

never settle for less. because you deserve the very best.

you made me insecure
told me i wasn’t good enough
but who are you to judge
when you’re a diamond in the rough
i’m sure you got some things
you’d like to change about yourself
but when it comes to me
i wouldn’t want to be anybody else

i’m no beauty queen
i’m just beautiful me 

you’ve got every right
to a beautiful life 

y’all know who you are. thank you :)

(Source: staypozitive)

onward we go

one of the things i like to do most is bike around in circles. (i know, that sounds really stupid.) after a really long day, i either go to the quad arcades or the roble parking lot and just bike round and round. and again. and again. i always do this when something’s bothering me, when i’m frustrated, when i’ve had a bad day, when i just want to let something out of my soul. and somehow that repetitive motion of biking but not really paying attention to biking, just going in a never-ending circle in the darkness, in the silence, feeling the windchill against your face, feeling your knuckles and the tips of your ears go numb, hearing the soft music from your ipod play against your eardrums, and slowly letting go of the handlebars as you pick up speed and move — something about that lets you express everything you need to express even if you might not be quite sure what it is you are trying to, and need to, express.

but today, i biked in circles in roble parking lot because i was afraid. because i was stalling. because sometimes there are things you have to do, that you’ve decided to do, that you need to do, that you will do, that you know deep down inside you want to do — but it takes time for you to actually do them. and it’s not that you’re procrastinating. it’s more like you’re preparing, preparing your heart and your mind and your soul. and you don’t know how to prepare. you just know that at the current moment in time, you’re unable to jump right in and do what you need to do. you’re not a machine. you’re a human being. and so you stall. and you spin in circles, again and again. passing parked cars, underneath the night sky, leaning your head back and staring up every now and then at the stars, biking past lampposts and their dim glows, talking to yourself aloud. and any passerby would probably think you’re absolutely insane.

but then at some point in time, you realize you need to stop. you realize you probably need to stop spinning in circles and park your bike and go back to your room because, after all, time is still passing by. you have things to do. you have a schedule to attend to. and so you take a deep breath, tell yourself you’re ready, although with a bit of reluctance, and leave that precious moment behind. but you feel a bit more refreshed, a bit more at peace with yourself, a bit more ready. 

reevaluation

today, i realized how selfish and narrow-minded i am, how much i fall short, and how far i still have to go to become the bigger and better person i want to be.

for most of us, we are the center of our own worlds. everything tends to revolve around us. we want what will make us happy, we are focused on our own work, we are dependent and expect people and things to be there for us. everything is from the first person point of view, and rarely do we step outside of that mindset, particularly when we’re bogged down in our schedules, running around trying to get things done and to make ends meet.

i am particularly guilty of this, especially in regards to friendship. i get in that narrow mindset where i begin to wonder — why am i trying so hard? why do i care so much? why is there this imbalance? how come there is no reciprocation? why am i being let down? why do i feel so disappointed?

rarely do i wonder — what is going through your mind? why might you be letting me down? how do you feel? how am i letting you down? how am i failing? how have i disappointed you? have i really been showing you how much i care? 

we get trapped in our natural mindsets where we take center stage, and by not taking the time to think things through, to be considerate, to wonder from someone else’s perspective, our hearts harden. our narrow-mindedness causes our hearts to shrink; we become cold, snappy, willingly unresponsive, bitter, upset, sad, angry, confused, uncertain, and almost every other negative emotion out there. and it eats at us. and we enter the absolutely terrible mindset of wanting to give up on people, of losing faith in people, of reverting to the easy status of saying we won’t and don’t care.

but our hearts are smarter than our brains are during this attempt at rationalization. because when go through that mindset of wanting to give up on people, of losing faith in people, of reverting to the easy status of saying we won’t care — we find it hard to actually give up, to actually lose faith, to actually not care. and although we think that doing these things will make us happier, they don’t. we find ourselves utterly unhappy. because deep down inside, we know it’s not right. because it’s too easy of a choice to make. because it’s too selfish. because it’s too inconsiderate. because it’s too inhumane.

because sometimes we have to remember that everyone is fighting a battle. and that everyone cares. and that everyone does not want to be a letdown. that everyone feels a pang of guilt when letting someone down. that everyone is trying. that everyone wants to give up sometimes because life gets difficult. that everyone feels like they care too much. that everyone feels like they’re doing more. 

and when you remember that, you suddenly realize how selfish you are being. you suddenly realize that you are so flawed, that you are being exactly the type of person you despise. that you are the one who is the letdown, that you are the one who is giving up, that you are the one pulling out. that you might be leaving someone when that person needs you most but can’t show you how much he or she needs you because he or she is struggling.

everyone has a story. let’s not forget that sometimes we just need to be there long enough to discover it, understand, empathize, and continue believing in the people we know deep down would never willingly let us down.

friendship

is a two-way street. but too often, i find myself the only one driving along it. or maybe i’ve overanalyzed and psyched myself out to the extent that it feels like i’m the only one left on the street. nevertheless, it doesn’t matter. because i feel that way, and even if my feeling may not accurately portray what is happening, in my mind, we’re not on the street together, and something has caused me to think and feel that way. something has served as justification for my rationalization of a two-way street becoming a one-way street.

i hate that friendship has to be intertwined with the concept of reciprocation. it makes everything so difficult. sometimes i just wish we could care deeply and love simply, without having to think about what we’re doing for other people, what those people are doing for us, where we stand in each other’s lives, etcetera. but no. it’s as if there are these unwritten rules and guidelines, and once they are not fulfilled, broken once or twice or maybe several times, we begin to feel like something, some kind of code, has been violated.

there’s always that tipping point when you realize that you’re doing too much. you’ve begun to care too much, you’ve begun to think too much about somebody, you’ve initiated too much, you’ve been too genuine. who would have thought that being genuine was something that could make you cringe? and then you want to cut back, to hold back and put up a wall. because that’s the only way you can prevent yourself from potentially being manipulated, the only way you can make yourself less vulnerable.

so then you begin to reach out less, initiate less, and you feel things falling apart. and you justify your actions by telling yourself — see? that’s what i told you. i told you that if you didn’t do anything, things would fall apart. this just proves how much of our friendship hinges on my actions.

and you feel sad, sad because somehow that experiment and the results have proven to you that you have prioritized someone who does not prioritize you.

but you feel sadder, really incredibly sad, because you genuinely care for that person and because deep down inside, you would like to care deeply and love simply. regardless of whether or not your two-way street has become a one-way street, regardless of whether or not you feel like you care too much, regardless of whether or not the survival of what you have with somebody hinges on your actions.

and you begin to give into that sadness, and you face a constant conflict: of whether to hang onto something that means the world to you, or whether you should just let go and see where things go without you trying to maintain the status quo, without you trying your best to ensure that things don’t fall apart. because you’re tired, too. and sometimes, you are selfish, too. sometimes, you want someone to prioritize you, to love you for who you are, to be there for you, to perhaps reciprocate when you give something and someone your all.

as you face that conflict and experience it daily, you continue trooping on. some days you let go a bit, but every day, you try your best to continue giving everything your all, regardless of whether or not there will be reciprocation. because every day you wake up with the hope that maybe that one-way street will become a two-way street again, that maybe things will return to the way they were, that maybe one day, your friend will wake up and remember that you are there and have been there and will be there…and that maybe you need someone, too.

the most inarticulate post ever.

once again, i have procrastinated. instead of starting my assignment due tomorrow, here i am, writing a tumblr post. but i have to because i need to get this (what is “this”? i do not know.) out of my system. i have to write. i feel the need to write. 

i’m searching for something, and i don’t know what i’m searching for. and i’m not finding. obviously. because i don’t even know what i’m searching for. but i guess it would be possible to find something even if i didn’t know what i was searching for. i just wouldn’t know that i had found it. so maybe if i can figure out what i’m searching for, i can figure out if i’ve found it or not, but i probably haven’t found it. this is really cryptic, isn’t it? i wish i could be less cryptic, but i’m not even quite sure myself what i’m trying to say…so that’s that.

happiness seems so transient. and i feel like a douchebag jerkface psychotic moron for saying that. because i have every reason to be happy and no reason to be unhappy right now, but i’m just kind of a lukewarm “meh.” i don’t even know why. i think it’s because i’m searching for something that i’m not finding and i don’t know what i’m searching for and what i’m not finding. God, this is the most frustrating thing in the world. what is wrong with me? 

i think the problem is that i spent over a week pretty much holed up in my room because i caught the flu and then had really limited contact with people, which i initially welcomed after having a very extroverted first week back, but the hermity-ness soon just became too much introvertedness (and too much alone time leads to overanalyzation of just about everything, as well as depressing thoughts in general). i think the problem is also that i haven’t run in like two weeks because i’m afraid i got a shin splint (again, but on the other shin) and because i got sick last week. and i think the third problem is that it’s rainy here and i hate rain and rain makes me unhappy and i miss sunshine and i hate rain oh wait did i already say that? i hate rain. and i think the fourth problem is that i just really want to ski but there hasn’t been enough snow at tahoe and there was a storm and i didn’t go on ski trip anyway, so that’s that. yay for run-on sentences. sarcasm. whoo.

i told you i need to write this out, get it out of my system. all of this BLAHness needs to leaveeeee. leave me be, BLAHness.

i want to be happy, like blissfully, incandescently, completely, perfectly happy.

it’s funny how you can always find something that makes you unhappy (like problems one through four that i listed above that aren’t really PROBLEMS per se, more just me coming up with reasons to somehow justify my lack of happiness). sighs.

so back to this searching / finding dilemma. i think that is the real REAL problem. problems one through four are also slightly problematic but not really truly driving me up the wall. they aren’t what is truly frustrating me. this searching / finding this is frustrating me. like none other. i don’t know what i’m looking for. WHAT AM I LOOKING FOR? I DON’T NEED ANYTHING. i don’t even really want anything. so why i am searching? it’s like i’m subconsciously searching, and my conscious can’t figure out what my subconscious is searching for (or why) and getting so riled up about, but the two aren’t intersecting. this is so problematic.

i just emailed my friend the following: LIUSDHFLISUDHFLISUDHF BLAHLIUSDHFliudhfilsuhfliuhfliusdhf SDFUIHIdsuifhaliushdf gahhhh. 

i think that does a pretty good job of summing up how i feel at the moment. for no apparent reason. or for no apparent known reason. which drives me even crazier because i at least want to know WHY i feel LIUSDHFLISUDHFLISUDHF BLAHLIUSDHFliudhfilsuhfliuhfliusdhf SDFUIHIdsuifhaliushdf gahhhh.

humans hate uncertainty. but humans hate not knowing even more. is uncertain = not knowing? maybe it is. God, i am so inarticulate and incoherent today.

sometimes, it’s okay to throw calculations and over-analyzation out the window. i feel like we’ve built up these tactics as defense mechanisms, so that we can perhaps prevent ourselves from caring too much, from putting ourselves in a position of disadvantage, so that we don’t find ourselves caring for someone when that person perhaps may not care for us. so that we won’t make someone a priority when that person doesn’t prioritize us, so that we won’t give something our all when we don’t get anything in return. but sometimes, it’s okay to let that go. sometimes, you don’t need to calculate or analyze or measure everything or make everything a give-or-take scenario. if you want to care, just care. if you try to control how you care and how much you care, you’ll just end up inhibiting yourself and driving yourself up the wall. think about it this way — finding someone or something that you care about is a gift. it’s not every day that you find someone or something who or that can make you want to be conscientious, to want to give, to humble yourself, to serve, to love. so stop finding reasons for yourself to not care when you know that you do and want to. if that’s what your heart wants to do, then let yourself be. be genuine :)

(Source: staypozitive)

constancy

i’ve been thinking a lot about people lately. and about change. how much people change over time, how much i’ve changed over the years. but every time i reflect on the idea of change, i feel like everybody’s changing except for me. it’s probably just because i’m biased. maybe i can’t see how i’ve changed. but i mean, i can tell how my perspectives have broadened, how my knowledge of certain things has expanded, how i understand certain concepts and things and people better. how i’ve become more independent, more comfortable with myself, more introverted in some ways. and the list goes on. but essentially, i feel like my interests haven’t changed all that much, the things i’m passionate about haven’t changed all that much, the way i interact with people hasn’t changed all that much. and i feel pretty confident that while i have changed, i’ve resisted change in a lot of ways, and that in comparison to a lot of people, i haven’t changed super drastically personality-wise.

i used to hate change. i still don’t love it. the idea of me changing, of having to change and adapt, of people around me changing when i love them how they are, of relationships and dynamics between you and other people changing when they are in a perfect place, of getting accustomed to a new place or to new material or to a new lifestyle — it’s scary. and as one of my good friends wrote over the summer, human beings are naturally resistant to change. and change can be good, change can be bad. it’s all a matter of perspective. and you can try to be positive about it or negative about it. but when it comes down to it, change is merely change. it’s just that things aren’t the same anymore, that people move on, that life throws things at you, that unexpected situations arise, that you can’t predict the future, and things are just uncertain.

i’ve realized over the years that change is not only inevitable, but that it is everywhere. it happens all the time. the world is just an inconsistent, unstable, and volatile place. people, events, thought processes, ideas, movements, feelings, decision making — everything seems so inconsistent. one moment, everything is fine, the next moment they aren’t. one moment, you are close to somebody, and one day, you realize the dynamic is different, that perhaps things are falling apart. and i’ve realized now why i love stanford so much. why i’ve become so attached to certain concepts, ideas, things. because they are the things i can hang on to when everything around me is changing, when everything around me is moving away but i want to stay. the reason why i love stanford is because the concept of home has changed. it’s no longer necessarily a geographic location. home is now my association of places to feelings and moments that i enjoy and appreciate and that make me feel comfortable and at ease and peace with myself. i have become attached to places like stanford because certain places within stanford offer me constancy — sanctuaries when i want to hide from volatility.

and along those same lines, that’s why i’ve been getting closer to God, why i’ve been hanging on to lyrics and songs and quotes. because words don’t change. faith doesn’t change. they are constant. songs will always be there. the lyrics will always be there. i can pull them up on itunes whenever i want. i can look through a book or through my bible whenever i need. and that constancy is what has been keeping me sane in those moments when i am struggling.

this post is so long-winded, but the reason why i even began writing today is because i realized that along with these constancies — faith, music, associations, and so on — there are some especially wonderful things in life called friendships. not facebook friendships. not temporary friendships. those are called acquaintanceships. i mean the real friendships where you feel so at ease with someone and can totally and absolutely and completely and incandescently be yourself. there is no judgment. you know the words that just came out of your mouth may be terrible, but you said them anyway. and your friend is not going to judge you but just accept you for who you are. you can be stupid, you can make a mistake, you don’t have to look or be perfect, and your friend will love you for who you are. you don’t have to talk everyday. you don’t have to see each other every month, or even every year. you don’t have to know what’s going on in each other’s life at every moment in time. you’re so in sync that when you meet, it’s like things never changed. or you see each other all the time and know exactly what’s on each other’s minds. and you’ve gotten to this point where you know what the other person is like and can intellectually and emotionally connect so well that conversations dig deeper than gossip or superficial things. and i am so grateful for these friendships because they remind me that even when everybody’s changing, some things don’t have to change. even when people change, that doesn’t have to mean that relationships and dynamics change. even when people grow, that doesn’t mean that they have to outgrow you.

constancy in an inconstant world. when you find someone or something that gives you that, hang on tightly and do not let go because it’s so much more valuable than you may think.